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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

A Surprise Visit


Just as I thought she was long gone, 
she appeared and paid me a surprise visit.
On numerous occasions, she would show up for barely an hour and disappear.
For a long time, I strongly believed that I was normal.
This time, she came knocking on my door 
and decided to stay longer than before.
Probably she knew what was happening lately.
She makes me feel anxious and nervous.
Terrified and afraid.
Lost and absent.
Unworthy and undeserving.
Abnormal and unusual.
Fatigue and lethargic.
Hopeless and in despair.
She whispers negative words that strangely make me feel good but in a different way.
It’s like I became numb
and my heart; as hard as a solid rock.
I’ve been living with her for the past few years and it was nothing new.
It took a toll on me.
My mind and my body.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.
Physically.
Mentally.
I have nothing left to offer.
I have nothing left to live for.
Every good in me has been squeezed dry.
Every bit of faith and hope.
Every bit of love and kindness.
Invisible and unnoticed.
A soul that has gone astray, searched for answers in all places.
She makes me cry for the wrong reasons, at times, for no reason at all.
No explanation for why I’m feeling the way I feel.
It’s bizarre to some and I don't expect to be fixed.
Unless you've been through it, you know it happens.
It can’t be controlled.
It can’t be explained.
It's like giving away your soul freely without a doubt,
secretly hoping that it will never have to return to where it's supposed to belong.
All of a sudden, pain feels good.
Emptiness and loneliness feels like home.
No one can say the right words or do the right things,
to make me feel normal and sane again.
Because only time can heal.

Underneath it all, deep down,
I question myself,
Can I still be saved?
Or is it too late?

- Asyiha Ams

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