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Friday, March 27, 2015

Leading The Double Life

This post is going to be very informal and casual.
Just something I would like to vomit out.

Being twenty one is totally different from being twenty, in my opinion. When I was twenty, I felt very carefree. I do what I want, at my own time, own target. I don't see the importance of saving money, what I want to do in the future or what I am planning to do in the future. I was very laid-back and I didn't think much of the future. Maybe I had a plan, one or two but never really try to make it happen. For instance, saving money. I have always wanted to save money, but have I? I did try to save money but I ended up touching my savings. Now, it made me realise, I got to do something about it. No more slacking. I feel that at this moment, I am living a double life. 

Life #1

I am a normal girl. Have always been. I don't count myself as a public figure or a somebody. I never see myself as that. I've heard so many of:

"WAH 20K IG followers. You must be somebody."
"You so famous ah…"
"You must take care of reputation… Everyone looks up to you."
"You must not do *this* *this* *this*… What would people think?"
"Your boyfriend play for national football. Wah! #relationshipgoals"
"Wah you are so successful! You have changed a lot over the years."

First of all, really? Am I a somebody? Who am I compared to those who have 1 million followers? Nothing. I never once wanted to be somebody. Hate that word, a lot. Makes me look so delusional. Lol. Okay sorry. 

Famous. REALLY? FAMOUS? You know what's famous? Rihanna, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, that's famous. If I am on the same par as them (not a chance), then I can gladly say I am famous. 20K only, really meh? Know that there's always somebody out there who is better than you. Never self proclaim yourself as famous. Let people give you that status but it's up to you whether you want to receive it or not. Hahaha… Hate how some people are so proud and big headed when they have thousands of followers. Like, hello???

This is something I cannot tolerate. Reputation. What reputation are you talking? What image? I never wanted to have a reputation or be a role model to anyone. I am just me, a normal girl who just wants to voice out her opinion to others and hopefully, one day, I am able to inspire people with my story. I am not always 100% right. I am no angel. I admit. I do a lot of wrong things in life and I am not proud of it. But if it is who I am, what I enjoy doing, then who are you to stop me? True? 

I am Malay, a muslim. I got slammed so many times for the food I eat. (Sometimes attire, but I am over that.)

"Is it halal?"
"I thought not halal."
"Eeeee… you eat pork?"

REALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYY???? HAIS! If it's halal, I will state, okay? 

Next, my boyfriend. A national footballer. So? Yes. I am proud of him but it has nothing to do with his status leh. My relationship with him has always been about the heart, mind and soul. Awww. But really. The guy I am madly in love with happens to be a footballer. You can't stop my heart from having feelings for him right? He is an awesome person himself.

Lastly, successful. Whenever people say I am successful, I can only smile. But to me, I am not a successful person, yet. I have big dreams, just like any other girl out there. Success means achieving something I have always wanted to build for years. To build an empire. To start a business of my own. Even if one day, I am able to achieve that, I will still not count that as a success because it's not enough. Maybe after I have set up my own business, success means I have to beat all the business in Singapore (just trying to give example) and be number 1. But even so, if I am able to do that, you think I will still be satisfied? No. Success is never enough for me. I mean, how high or far can you go in order to be successful? It is up to you how you define success. 

I am glad I am able to clarify all of that. Phew.

As I was saying, I am just a normal girl, leading a normal life. I realise that I need to stop slacking. I need to find a normal job to pay my bills, my expenses and start on my ACTUAL saving. If I have extra income, I would love to be able to help my mum out financially and lessen her burden. I am currently working, average five times a week, 10 hours a day. Just because I am having school break now, I am able to do that. Even when school reopen, I will still need to work my ass off. I am not going to say that without working, I won't be able to live. I will but this income that I am saving is for the future. I want to be able to pursue my degree after diploma (which can cost me a five figure fee), settle down with Sahil, open up my business… It involves A LOT OF MONEY. So, if I don't start now, then when?

Suffer now, enjoy later. Will always remember that.

Sahil is the kind that would love to take charge of everything. Take responsibilities for all my expenses. He feels that it is his job but I strongly disagree with his thinking. He likes the idea of me being a housewife when we get married one day. Of course I was like, NO?!! I  want to work. I am not the kind of person who would rot at home and become tai tai. I need to do something with my life rather than sit at home and do nothing. I can become psychotic. As long as I can still work, why not work?

I have been very busy with life lately and I can't keep up. I feel tired and exhausted. Now, I am on 6 days leave because I was supposed to go Maldives but it was cancelled last minute. That's the reason why I have all the time now to blog. 

Life #2

Besides being a normal girl, I am also a girl who is full of hopes and dreams. I love fashion, I love blogging, I love vlogging, I love taking pictures, ootds and many other things. I love interacting with people and learning new things. If you have seen my Instagram, it's all about beauty, make up, reviews, ootds, more of something that I love and enjoy doing. I love my Instagram, it makes me happy to see all the beautiful pictures taken by me. Sounds weird but it makes me appreciate life more. Okay anyway, the saga that has been happening for the past few months were quite ugly and horrible I find. I mean, all I do is basically just watch. I know I am contracted under GC, but as an individual, I just watch. I have my own opinion, my own say, my own stand. I keep it to myself. No one has to know. I don't have to prove anyone a point or owe anyone an explanation.

I am the kind of person who doesn't like drama or negativity. I like peace. I like calm. I like serenity. My reaction when I read XX blog post was, "Oh okay…" and it just went by. What bothered me the most was the comments from anonymous on my social media platform. Crazy people. The thing about comments are, they are very hurtful. Intentionally or not intentionally, doesn't matter. But words do kill you knowwwww. Ouch. One day after the incident, I got over it. I just let it go. That's how I deal with the saga if you are wondering. Hahaha… I lost a few friends after the saga but it's okay la… Make my life easier in knowing who my true friends are. Afterwards, I didn't follow up with the news till today (even after the 2nd saga). I am clearly not interested. Even when people talk about it, I just listen but don't really care. Just not my thing leh. What a boring topic to talk about. Talk about success, okay can, I'm on.

My stand is, it doesn't matter who win or lose. I hope that it has taught everyone a lesson and learn from it. That's all. Simple. Hahaha…

All I want to do now is to concentrate improving myself as a person and learn from my mistakes. Learn how to take in criticism and let it be a motivation. Tired is not an excuse. If you want something badly, you would chase for it until you get it.

Okay, that's all. Finally I feel so much better.

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